Your kids will have falls; keep your cool
Children take their cues from parents, so be calm when they fall
10:54 AM CDT on Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Afew weeks ago, my 10-year-old was playing tennis with a boy who swung, missed and fell flat on the court. I instinctively jumped up, my hand on my mouth. But before I said anything, I glanced at the boy's mother who was sitting next to me. She rolled her eyes. I sat down uncertainly and asked whether her son was OK. And just as I did, I noticed the boy look up at his mother as if seeking permission to cry. She smiled and shook her head no. The boy shrugged, brushed himself off and continued playing. Not only did he win the match, he won two succeeding matches. Hurt? Hardly. And this mom, who said to me as play resumed, "He's such a ham," knew exactly when her boy was trying to drum up sympathy for a pain that didn't exist. And I thought, "Wow, if that had been my son, would I have raced to the court to check on him?" Probably. And that got me wondering: Wouldn't that have been the right way to show that you care? Does sitting back send a message of indifference? In short, when should parents rush in with hugs and comfort, and when is it better to stand back and let the child pick himself up? It's better to wait and count to two and assess the situation calmly just as this mom did, advises Dr. Chris Dreiling, a Dallas pediatrician in private practice. "If a child sees a parent with a pronounced reaction to an injury or negative incident, they respond in kind," he says. "They will get scared, and it will exacerbate the situation into something more than it really is. But if the parent can keep their reaction calm, the next time it happens the child will know that he will be OK." And that's why he gives the mother at the tennis court an A-plus for not losing her cool. "She knows her kid. She knows he has a little bit of anxiety about things, and she's trying to teach him to be measured and calm. "She's communicating to him," Dr. Dreiling says, that "lots of people fall. She's teaching him that if he will be calm, he will be all right." It's important to teach kids to speak up about pain, as I learned recently from reporting about teen athletes with sports injuries. If there's a real problem, ignoring it can make it worse. (To read that story, go to dallasnews.com/healthyliving.) At the same time, a healthy childhood comes with scrapes. That's why Dr. Dreiling commends young patients who come in with bruises between their knees and ankles. "I tell them, 'You must be having a good summer. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing.' " As a father, he realizes this can be hard to process. "In a perfect world, nothing would ever happen to your child," he acknowledges. "One of the hardest things for parents to face is that kids are going to fall, and they're going to get hurt. When they are teenagers, they are going to make bad decisions that have consequences. The irony is that when you accept up front that they will, they tend to make fewer of those mistakes because they understand that you respect them and aren't trying to micromanage them." Dr. Dreiling often has to calm anxious parents who bring in youngsters with mysterious stomachaches. "My stock line for 3-year-olds saying 'My tummy hurts' 37 times a day is, 'Call me if their tummy aches ever stop them from doing things they want to do, as opposed to things you want them to do.' " It's one thing to talk, but Dr. Dreiling's 2-year-old son, Dashiell, also has made him walk the walk. Dashiell recently jumped off the bed with the idea that he would fall in a seated position, bounce up and land on his feet. That was the theory, anyway. What happened was that he tripped and fell on his face. It looked bad . "The first time he did it, I went, 'Uh-oh.' But then he picked himself up and ran around to do it again. And I realized, if he was hurt, he wouldn't have done that." After Dr. Dreiling realized Dashiell was having fun, he started to film his son as Dashiell clambered back onto the bed and did it again and again. He shows the tape to parents like me who worry too much. It cheers them up, he says. "They laugh and shake their heads and say, 'At least my kid doesn't do that!' " I have to agree. I think the next time I don't jump up and gasp when my son falls, he should send Dr. Dreiling a thank-you note. Pediatrician Chris Dreiling offers these tips for parents: Don't jump up and run at the first fall. Don't reward and give treats to a hurt child. "If it's a treat he likes, he may start exaggerating injuries." Don't tell her not to cry or say, "Don't be a baby." Do stop for two seconds and assess the situation. Do help if the child has a bigger cry than usual or doesn't pick himself up right away. Do consider how other children will treat your child if she acts fragile. Remember, if it hurts, to respect a child's right to cry. Remember, when your child feels better, encourage him to shake it off and go back to the activity.
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